


Tired of Fighting, Ready to Live

by gmariam19 (gmariam)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Canon Compliant, Finn is a Mess, First Kiss, M/M, Major Character Injury, Movie: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Mutual Pining, POV Finn, POV Poe Dameron, POV Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Post-Canon, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22608643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gmariam/pseuds/gmariam19
Summary: The days after the victory at Exegol are hard to navigate. Finn and Poe aren't meant to be so distant, so hurt, so unhappy. They should be celebrating their victory over the First Order together. Rey is determined to help them.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 41
Kudos: 241





	1. Chapter 1

I.

Rey was tired of the fighting.

It had been over a month since the Battle of Exegol and the destruction of the vast Sith fleet. Resistance forces had been out on dozens of smaller missions, cleaning up the last pockets of the First Order still maintaining their stranglehold on dozens of planets. And parsec by parsec, the galaxy was realizing its freedom from tyranny. Some planets rose up on their own, others called for help. The Resistance—smaller than it was after most of their aide at Exegol returned to their own homes and battles to be fought—did all it could to help.

It had been over a month and they were constantly busy—fighting, flying, constantly replenishing supplies and slowly beginning to plan for the future. Everyone was exhausted, and many were still dealing with injuries and personal losses, yet in general, the base on Ajan Kloss was good, full of hope and hard work, friends and allies. They needed a more permanent place to begin the process of rebuilding, and Kin was doing his best to find one and suggest a move. Rey had always liked it on Ajan Kloss, but now…

Rey was tired of the fighting.

At first, she'd thought that everything would be perfect, as she'd held her two closest friends in her arms as soon as she'd returned from Exegol. They'd been inseparable for days, especially Finn and Poe, and it had been nice, a comfort to them all after their long, hard battle for freedom. And then she'd gone to Tatooine, only to return a week later to confusion.

They disagreed. They shouted. They ignored each other for days. Apparently, it had started while she was gone, after Poe had led a sortie to answer a distress call from Lah'Mu. They'd come back with another victory, though Poe had reinjured his arm, and Finn had criticized him for jeopardizing the future of the Resistance.

_"You're not a Spice Runner, for Force sake! Poe, you're a general now. You can't go flying off on every call we get, we need you here!"_

Rey hadn't been there, but she could only imagine the confrontation. Finn had stewed for days about Poe's unexpected past on Kijimi and never missed a chance to say something about it; the more comments he made, the more Poe grew frustrated, and the less he shared about it. Apparently, Poe had ignored Finn's rebuke and taken what was left of Black Squadron back out for supplies the next day. Two days later, Finn had left with Company 77 to answer a call from Ord Mantell. Rey had come back and walked right into the middle of the first of many arguments between them.

_"You could have been killed down there, Finn! That place is a cesspool of criminal gangs vying for jobs in the Outer Rim."_

_"What, so you get to run missions, but I'm stuck here in the jungle?"_

_"Someone needs to be here, we're in charge—"_

_"Exactly,_ we _are in charge, Poe. Not me, both of us. Only you're off playing at being a flyboy instead of a general!"_

Rey thought they sounded like one of the old married couples she'd seen on Jakku, always arguing with each other, then walking away holding hands. Except Finn and Poe didn't hold hands. They didn't laugh together anymore, didn't smile. Something during the mission to defeat the Emperor had come between them, and in spite of their victory, they couldn't move past whatever hurts and fears had settled deep in their souls.

Sometimes Rey thought they were being stubborn; other times she understood the source of their fear perfectly. The stress of rebuilding only made it worse, offering excuses for clipped tones and snapped responses. What was both frustrating and amusing was that neither of them saw it, or knew what to do about it. They should have been supporting one another, but instead grew more and more distant.

_"What if he doesn't come back, Rey?" Finn asked her after another rant about Poe's so-called irresponsible flying. "What do we then? He's our leader, and we need him here!"_

He didn't seem to realize what he was really saying about needing Poe. Neither did Poe.

 _"We need someone here on the ground, Rey," Poe told her once, though he was less angry and more sad as he watched Finn and Jannah board the_ Falcon _for a second mission together. "He's a good man, and a natural leader."_

They were both right, and both wrong. Yes, they needed to lead the Resistance into the future together and guide the rebuilding. Yet the larger fight wasn't quite over, and they were both too good to lock in a conference room with nothing but data pads and holo-coms. They were needed at home _and_ in the field, and neither seemed able to find the balance.

Somehow, through unspoken agreement, they'd managed to at least time their missions so one of them was always on Ajan Kloss. Which meant that they rarely saw each other, and when they did, there was more fighting.

Rey was tired of the fighting.

This time it was Poe, taking out his frustration with Finn after an intelligence mission to Lothal had uncovered a small pocket of First Order defectors looking to join their rebuilding efforts. It was rapidly devolving into their worst argument so far, and Rey could feel the disturbance from the other side of the base, where she was trying to eat with Rose and Kin. She set down her fork, rubbed her temples, and stood up.

"I'm sorry, I'm going to go knock some sense into our co-generals. Excuse me."

They watched in astonishment as she stormed across the base, her irritation fueled by the fear and resentment she felt pouring from her friends. How could they not see it where it came from? How could they be so blind?

"They left the First Order over a year ago," Finn was telling Poe when she entered the room where they were still arguing. "We need all the help we can get!"

"We need people we can trust," Poe said, his exasperation clear. Rey sensed it was fear that was motivating him, and not fear of First Order defectors.

"We can trust them," Finn insisted. "You trusted me."

"That was totally different."

"You trust Jannah and her crew."

Poe grimaced, revealing some of his fear. "No, you trust them. And I trust you with them."

"Then trust me on this!"

Poe blew out a breath. "I'm trying, buddy, I am. I'm worried that the more former First Order we bring in, especially so soon, the more we risk creating it all over again!"

"They left," Finn repeated. "They've been living peacefully on Lothal and want to help rebuild, make up for what the First Order did. Because that's not who they are anymore, what they believe."

Rey stepped up quietly, her voice calm. "I think we should give them a chance," she said, and both men turned toward her in surprise, too wrapped up in their argument to have heard her come in. "Like all the others. Like me, and Finn."

Poe stared at her, and she saw written on his face the impulse to argue, but also the desire to trust them and move on. He was a man of strong emotions, and most of them were easily read. Others he held tight reign over, and she admired him for that even though she found it difficult and knew it ultimately weakened him. If he would only accept those feelings rather than bury them, he could be even stronger than he was now. And certainly, much happier.

His eyes closed and he nodded. "Fine, we'll give them a chance," he said, his voice resigned. Finn looked back and forth between them in surprise.

"You didn't do that Force thing on him, did you?" he asked. "Because I really need to learn how to do that." His eyes widened with panic as he realized what he'd said.

Rey had known Finn was Force-sensitive for a while. It had taken several days for him to come to her about it after Exegol, and he'd been both nervous and excited. When they had time, she talked to him about it, showed him the things she had learned from both Luke and Leia. But as his relationship with Poe grew more tense, and Finn was gone more often, they had less time together.

She knew he hadn't told Poe, though. He'd told her straight up he was too scared to tell anyone. It all came down to fear, like Master Luke had warned her about. Fear held one back, led to hurt and anger. She'd seen it in herself, and she saw it in Finn and Poe, and she saw it in the way they fought now. She wished she could ease their fears, but they had to accept them on their own.

Finn stuttered a reply to his slip. "I mean, it'd be nice to—"

"—to get some real training since you're Force-sensitive?" Poe asked. His voice was flatter than usual, and Rey wasn't sure if he was bitter, or hurt, or something else. He didn't seem like the envious type, and she couldn't imagine he was scared of Finn using the Force. He was just scared of Finn in general, because of how he felt about him. How they clearly felt about each other, but refused to acknowledge. She braced for another round of shouting; this was something that had hung between them for weeks, along with Poe's past.

"You knew?" Finn asked, and he looked terrified. She wanted to smack her friend on the head for not telling Poe earlier. "How long?"

"Few weeks," Poe said with a shrug, not meeting their eyes. "All the comments about having a feeling, you two running off whenever you could." He shrugged again. "It's fine, Finn. It's great. Only it would have been nice to know."

And there was the hurt. Hurt and fear. It was all that defined Finn and Poe these days. Where was the hope, the friendship, the love? Rey wanted her best friends back.

"I'm sorry," said Finn. "I wanted to tell you, I did, but I needed to talk to Rey first, and then I…I didn't. I couldn't."

"You didn't," Poe said, and he sounded so _sad_ Rey wondered how Finn could possibly miss it. "But you could have. I would have understood."

"I know," said Finn, and he sounded equally miserable. "I was scared. Kind of like you were scared to tell me about being a Spice Runner."

Rey shook her head in exasperation as Poe's eyes widened; Finn had stuck his foot in his mouth now. "Finn, I wasn't _scared_ to tell you about that. It's in my past. It was over a decade ago. I don't care that you know!"

"Then why didn't you say something about it on the way to Kijimi?" Rey was sure they'd argued about this at least ten times already, but there was something about it that Finn couldn't let go.

"Because I was thinking about other things!" Poe exclaimed. "About losing Chewie, about cracking open 3-PO's head, about running into any old acquaintances who might not be glad to see me." Rey had got most of the story from Zorii Bliss before she'd left, and it had been an entertaining one, though not nearly as lurid as she'd expected. Poe Dameron, Spice Runner, was not going to be top news or gossip any day soon, but he'd had his reasons to worry about returning.

"It would have been nice to know before we got there," Finn muttered, and Rey agreed that it would have been nice to know Poe had a past on Kijimi before they'd almost been killed by it. Yet it was over; Poe had left Kijimi years ago, and Zorii Bliss had come and gone. It was time to move on. Rey wondered why it still bothered Finn so much.

"Why, so you could throw it in my face like everything else?" Poe demanded. "Compare me to some other Resistance hero and find me lacking?"

Even Rey flinched from that one; apparently, Finn had said something horrible to Poe on Kef Bir after she'd left. He hadn't told her what it was, only that it had been awful, and that they'd come back to Ajan Kloss to find that Leia had died in their absence, which only made it worse. He'd apologized and Poe had accepted it, even made him co-general, yet apparently old hurts were harder to set aside than either of them thought.

"Hang on," said Poe, before Finn could even begin to respond. "That's what you meant, isn't it? That you and Leia knew what Rey was going through because you're both Force-sensitive. And I'm not." Rey had rarely heard him sound so bitter.

"I told you I didn't meant it, I was worried—" Finn started, but Poe stopped him.

"About Rey, I know. Because that's what you were going to tell her, that you were Force-sensitive. That's what you couldn't tell me. Huh." He took a step back and nodded slowly to himself, glancing between them. "I guess that explains it."

"Explains what?" asked Finn, genuinely confused.

"It's not like that." Rey jumped in quickly, hoping to stop that thought before it started. "At all."

"What?" exclaimed Finn, looking between Rey and Poe. "Come on, Poe. I already told you it's not like that."

"I wouldn't care if it was," Poe said quietly. "I just want to know."

So Poe was hurt that Finn didn't share his secrets, as Finn had been hurt by Poe not sharing his. Which meant they _wanted_ that closeness, only they didn't know how to say it. They were both too _scared_. She thought about pointing it out and then letting them talk, but as Finn was about to respond, a young courier came running up and interrupted, looking upset.

"I'm sorry, generals," she said. "You're needed in the command center immediately. There's a situation on Akiva."

"Akiva?" Poe said, exchanging a worried glance with Finn before turning and following without another word. "What's happened? Have we heard from Wedge Antilles? Or Norra Wexley?"

He grilled the courier, who had no other answers. Rey followed with Finn, the tension growing as they entered the command area to find it bustling with activity. Something had happened, and it wasn't good. She only hoped that once things settled, Finn and Poe could continue to talk.

They weren't meant to be so distant, so angry, so unhappy. They should be celebrating their victory over the First Order together. Rey was determined to help them, before one of them self-destructed and took the entire Resistance with them—or left before they could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This post TROS set-up comes from the part of me that is constantly hearing various characters shout at one another in my head. Maybe I need to go do some shouting myself? There is more shouting in the next chapter, and probably the next. But my stories always end with hope, and this story is four parts and almost complete! I also like thinking about how and why things happen too much, and this story explores some things about Finn and Poe's relationship in TROS that seem to need some exploring. Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

II.

Sometimes Poe didn't know why he stayed.

It had been almost two months since the Battle of Exegol. A long, exhausting, terrifying, and confusing two months. The initial exhilaration of defeating the First Order had quickly settled into the constant need to clean up one mess after another across the galaxy. Akiva had been the biggest one yet, a world that had rebelled against the sympathetic governor only to come up against fierce First Order fighting. They'd called for help, and it had taken over two weeks to win back the capital and force the First Order and its puppet government out.

At first, he and Finn had fought together, setting aside their personal problems for the greater good, and it had been like nothing had come between them. Then the battle had taken a turn for the worse, and Finn had been shot, laid up in bed and furious at being sidelined, and they'd fallen right back into their new habit of squabbling over everything. Poe hated it and yet couldn't stop it. Something hadn't been right since Exegol.

Though they'd returned less than thirty-six hours ago, Finn was already heading back with reinforcements to relieve Company 77 and hold onto their small victory. Poe was both glad to be alone, and yet missing him terribly, like he did every time Finn went off on his own.

"Finn's gone," said Rey, announcing her presence with a harsh glare. "You didn't say goodbye."

Poe glanced up and tried not to sigh. She was clearly spoiling for a fight, the second one in as many days, and both about Finn. He didn't need to fight with Rey, he did plenty of that with Finn. What he needed was a friend to help him figure it out, why so much of his hurt and pain traced back to their biggest victory.

"He can take care of himself," Poe said instead, and went back to the three data pads he was shuffling between as he tried to catch up on everything he'd missed during the crisis on Akiva.

"He's still limping," she said. "I remember when you went on all your missions together—"

"Can't do that anymore," Poe interrupted. "Co-generals and all that." And stars, he missed being with Finn, out on the _Falcon_ together, running undercover missions for the Resistance, blowing the bad guys out of the sky. Leading things on the ground was overwhelming—he didn't know what he was doing half the time— and flying with Black Squadron wasn't the same without Snap. Akiva had almost been like old times until it wasn't, and Poe missed Finn more than anything.

Rey continued as if he hadn't spoken. "—and a time when you said goodbye when you didn't go out together, wished each other luck, waited for one another to return."

"Well, times have changed," Poe replied. "The war is won, and yet somehow there's even more work to do."

"That doesn't mean you stop caring about your friends!"

Poe glanced up in surprise from a report on fuel supplies for their ships. "You think that's it? Why things are like this? Because I don't care?" It was as far from the truth as possible; sometimes he cared so much he thought he might explode from it, from keeping his feelings hidden and locked away because he couldn't let them show or everything would only be worse.

"I don't," she said, her voice softening. "I saw you at his bedside on Akiva. But it sure looks like it to everyone else. To Finn."

"To Finn." Poe rubbed his hands over his face. "Look, I'm sorry you keep getting caught in the middle of this and trying to sort it out. But there's nothing you can do about it. It is what it is."

"I don't think you even know what it is," Rey told him, sounding exasperated. She was frustrated with him, and he felt his own irritation grow in return. Sometimes she was so much like the little sister he'd never had that he loved her for it: someone to talk to, to laugh with, to challenge in the cockpit. Other times she pushed all his buttons and drove him mad, and he was glad he'd never had a sister after all.

"Rey," he started, but she cut him off.

"You need to talk to him. You might think you're presenting a united front as leaders of the former Resistance, but everyone here knows that's not the case. You don't talk, you don't laugh, you don't even look at each other." She paused. "At least when the other one is looking. I see the secret looks you give him."

"I don't give him secret looks," Poe protested. "This isn't some sordid holo-drama, you know."

"No, it's real life. And real life is messy, so clean it up."

He stared at her in surprise; this was brazen and forward, even for her. And she was right, it was a mess, but he didn't know what to do about it.

"I don't know how," he finally confessed, sitting back with a sigh and avoiding her eyes. He hated admitting failure, but maybe if he did she would leave it alone. "And it's probably too late."

"It's never too late," she said. She pulled up a chair and sat close to Poe, laying a hand on his arm. "Poe, I know you're scared, and I know what you're scared of."

"More Jedi mind tricks?" he asked skeptically. "Because I don't even know what I'm scared of most days. Everything." And it was true, he was scared every day: of the next mission, the next planet they brought into their new alliance, of losing more friends, more allies. Failure. Success. _Everything_.

"You're scared of Finn," she stated, sounding so sure of herself. Poe snorted.

"I'm not scared of Finn," he said. "He's a stuffed bantha compared to you."

"Thanks," she said. "I think. You're scared of losing him, Poe. As soon as you can see that and maybe even tell him that, I think you could both move on."

Poe leaned forward, confused. "Okay, first of all, you're right. I don't want to lose Finn. I don't want to lose _anyone_. I've…we've _all_ lost enough people. But move on from what? _To_ what?"

She looked at him like an exasperated sister again, literally pinching the bridge of her nose. "Poe, when someone is afraid of something, like swimming, what do they do?"

"Avoid it. Don't jump in the water."

"Exactly!" She said, then waited for him to make the connection, slapping him on the knee when he didn't. "Poe Dameron, you're constantly avoiding Finn because you're afraid of losing him."

"I don't avoid you," Poe pointed out, scrambling to find footing as she chipped away at his defenses. "I don't want to lose you, or BB-8, or Jess, or anyone else here."

"So what's different about Finn?" she asked, sitting back and crossing her arms over her chest. "Tell me."

"What do you mean, what's different?" She was trying to make him say it, he could feel it. Of course, Finn was different. Finn was special.

"What is it about Finn that makes you even _more_ scared of losing him? So scared that you avoid him, and then snap at him, holding up your hurt and anger like a shield to keep him at a distance?" She looked pleased with herself at that last, like she'd had some deep insight, and Poe hated that she was right.

"I don't hold up my anger as a shield," he protested, even though that's exactly what he did. "Sometimes he just makes me mad!" Which was also true, but he was definitely not going to talk to her about that, or why.

"And you make him mad, it's mutual. You can't be mad at him forever," she said. "I know he didn't tell you about the Force, and he said something terrible to you after I left Kef Bir. He apologized, Poe. Why can't you both move on?"

"It's complicated," he said, his voice quiet. He was not usually one to hold on to old grudges and hurts, but this thing with Finn had cut deep. Finn hadn't trusted him enough to tell him anything about his Force sensitivity, when Poe thought they shared _everything._ And even worse, he'd pointed out the one flaw Poe saw in the mirror every day: he wasn't Leia. Was that why Finn hadn't told him, because he wasn't good enough? As a leader, as a man, as a friend? Both thoughts had eroded at his confidence ever since, and Poe hated that. He was confident by nature, and a bad word didn't usually take him down. But this had been Finn, and Poe wanted to be worthy of such a good man.

"How? What's different with Finn?"

"We need him," Poe said, starting slowly as he tried to find the right words, words that wouldn't give himself away. He had the feeling she was leading him somewhere, that she knew what he refused to admit. "He can do things no one else can, things I could never do. He doesn't think so, but he's a natural leader, people will listen to him, follow him. And now, with this…this other thing," he said, waving his hand in the air around Rey, trying to convey Finn's Force powers without actually saying it. "Now he could be even more, and that's not someone we can afford to lose."

Rey was silent, nodded, then spoke. "That is a load of vworkka shit," she said. For someone who rarely cursed, it made a strong statement, riling up Poe's defenses even more.

"It's the truth, and you know it!" he exclaimed. "The Resistance needs him!"

"You need him," Rey snapped. "That's what you're not saying, what you won't admit. What you're so afraid of! _You_ need him."

Poe stared at her, his jaw clenched in anger. She was right, but he would never admit it, because it didn't matter if he _needed_ Finn or wanted him or even loved him more than anyone he'd ever known. Finn didn't feel the same, because Poe wasn't good enough. And one day, he would lose Finn; it was inevitable in the life they led. Poe couldn't think about that day, so it was easier to avoid it all.

"You know what I don't need?" he asked, standing up and gathering his data pads. "I don't need you telling me how I feel. In case you didn't notice, I'm trying to lead us out of a rebellion into the real world. I have no idea what I'm doing most days. I didn't sign up for this part of the job. I signed up to fly and to fight!"

"And that's why you keep running off, isn't it?" she said, standing and following him right through the mouth of the cave. "You fly to avoid your feelings!"

They were outside now, and several people turned to look at their heated argument. "You're not one to talk about feelings, you know," he hissed, a finger in her face. "Yours are just as messed up as the rest of us." He regretted it as soon as he said it, like he was a big brother bullying his sister.

She recoiled and glared at him, but he watched as the anger literally flowed away, replaced by calm understanding. Stars, he wished he could do that. Let it go. Move on. Accept.

"I faced my fears," she said softly. "And I continue to face them every day. I don't run from them."

"Not anymore." Poe couldn't resist. What was wrong with him? First he alienated Finn, now Rey? Was this what he'd become, flinging his pain and insecurity at the people he cared about?

"This isn't about me," Rey said, still infuriatingly calm. "This is about you and Finn."

"There is no me and Finn!" Poe exclaimed, and laid down the truth of it for her, hoping she'd stop. "We can barely be in the same room together. He hates that I go out on missions, and I hate that he goes out, and it's not like either one of us will ever admit why. We missed our chance, Rey. I've accepted that, why can't you?"

He turned and walked away, determined to do exactly what she said: hop in his X-wing and fly, put it all from his mind as he soared through the skies and up to the stars. And when Finn came back, the same terrible silence would hang between them, until Poe went on his next mission, and then Finn on his. They'd missed their chance.

"Because you love him," she called out. "I know you do, Poe, and not like you love others. He's different. Finn is special."

And with those words, she broke him. His shoulders sagged. His heart clenched within him hearing those words from someone else, words he never let himself think let alone feel. He glanced around the area and moved closer, lowering his voice.

"Finn is the _best_ man I know. But it doesn't matter how I feel," he said. "Because he doesn't feel the same. It is what it is now. So just leave it alone, because you're making it worse, Rey. You're making me feel even _worse."_ His voice cracked at the end, and he hated how his emotions betrayed him in that moment, hated the look on her face of both surprise and pity as she reached out and pulled him into an embrace.

"I'm sorry," she whispered into his ear as he clung to her, unable to resist the comfort of her arms. "I don't mean to make it worse. I want to help." He nodded into her hair before pulling away, trying to regain his composure.

"I know. You care about him, don't want to see him hurt," he started, and she shook her head.

"No, I care about you both, Poe. I don't want to see either of you hurting, I want to see you happy, and together. The way you're meant to be."

Poe let his eyes slip closed, his heart soaring and breaking at the very idea. Only the thought of somehow moving past all the hurtful words of the past two months was overwhelming, impossible. It could never happen, never would. He kissed her on the cheek and stepped back.

"Thank you for trying, but it's not like that, not anymore." They'd missed their chance, more than once. The search for Exegol had been difficult and placed obstacles in their way that they'd never got over, things that had festered and grown too hard to overcome. It was better to move on.

"I'm going to go check on some supplies," Poe said, making up an excuse to get away. No one needed to know he was going to check on supplies from the cockpit of his ship on the other side of the planet. "I'll see you at dinner?" He turned to leave, felt her glaring at his back.

"This isn't over, Poe Dameron," she called, and he sighed, waved his hand over his shoulder at her, and kept walking toward his ship. He didn't want her to see the tears in his eyes, because it had been over for a while between him and Finn, and he'd give anything to get it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch. Sometimes I write stuff that hurts to write. And it's looking like Poe is going to be one of those characters who carries the brunt of it. Probably about as rough as it gets here, though. I hope I managed to get to the root of some of his feelings and actions in TROS. Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

III.

Sometimes Finn wondered why he came back.

Every time he returned from a mission, he looked around the landing area. Sometimes Rey was there, or Rose. Occasionally, BB8 was waiting and beeped sadly, or C3-PO welcomed him back with a dozen annoying questions. Once he'd been met by the med team; that had not been a good welcome at all. But the one person he wanted to see was never there anymore. Poe hadn't even said goodbye this time.

To be fair, Finn hadn't said goodbye either, he'd just grabbed some new gear, a new crew, and took off. He'd left Jannah and Company 77 on Akiva with the promise of returning immediately with reinforcements, and he didn't break his promises. They had done more than their share of fighting over the last two months and wanted to go back to Kef Bir. Jannah had made plans to see Lando Calrissian, something about finding their families, so Finn had said he'd drop her off on Pasaana. He stayed on the ship and said his goodbyes, anxious to leave, even if it meant seeing Poe.

The mission to Akiva had started out well enough between them, but had gone to hell so fast they'd fallen back into their old pattern of fighting constantly with one another the moment Finn woke up after being shot in the leg. He was tired of it (both getting shot and fighting with Poe) and had jumped at the chance to go back to Akiva alone, even with a sore leg. Now he had returned, his head somewhat clearer, but as much as he'd hoped (and feared) Poe might be there, only Rey waited off to the side. She hugged him hard, then pulled back with a frown.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Did something happen?"

"What? No," he said, belatedly remembering how easy it was for her to sense things now, like other people's feelings. He needed to learn how to bottle them up a lot better around her or she'd know everything and never stop bothering him. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not," she said, tilting her head to the side as if listening. She sighed. "He's not here," she said. Damn, she was good. "He left yesterday for some sort of meeting on Coruscant. Apparently, a small group of Centrists is interested in talking to us."

"What?" he asked again. "No! He can't go there alone, it's too dangerous! Wait, what are you doing here? Why didn't you go with him?"

She made a face, clearly unhappy to be left behind. "He took Jess and a few others. And he left me in charge." She accompanied it with an eye roll, and he couldn't help but grin at her disgruntled attitude.

"Congratulations, Rey-In-Charge." She didn't have a title, which was probably a massive oversight on all their parts, yet she functioned so independently most of the time, it seemed unnecessary. She was Rey Skywalker, the last of the Jedi. Everyone knew who she was and what she could do.

"Yes, well I'm turning over the in-charge part to you now, General," she said. "I barely survived two days of it."

"You survived the Emperor, Rey," he laughed. "You can survive the bureaucracy."

"I don't know, it's pretty brutal." She laughed with him, then stopped and studied him. "I think he would have come, if he was here."

"I doubt it," Finn said, trying not to let his disappointment show, but knowing it did. "You know how it is now."

"Yes, I know how it is," she murmured, then eyed him sideways as they made their way to the small command center. "I hope you're not going to start yelling at me instead."

"I would never do that!" Finn exclaimed. "He deserves it, you don't."

"I'm sure there are times I do," she said with another smile. "And I think maybe he wouldn't, this time."

"Why, did he get a brain transplant?" Finn realized how ridiculous that sounded and shook his head, apologizing. "I'm sorry, that was out of line. Was he okay when he left?" Even for all their disagreements, Finn still worried about the other man, still cared. Poe had fought hard at Akiva, and leaving for Coruscant so soon after returning had to be exhausting. He knew; he was still recovering from his own injury.

"He was fine," she said with a shrug. "He didn't get shot in the leg. We might have talked once or twice."

"Rey." Finn sighed. "I don't need you fighting my battles for me, or trying to fix my problems."

"Actually, I think you do," she said. "You should talk to him, Finn. I think he might be ready. You seemed so close to figuring it out, before Akiva."

"Well, he's not here, is he?" Finn pointed out. "He up and left without a word." Finn hated feeling bitter about it, but he did. Every time he thought about it. When had they stopped communicating so completely? Why?

"So did you," Rey pointed out. "You've both drifted away, but you can fix it. I know you can."

Finn pinched the bridge of his nose. "I appreciate your concern, Rey, and your help. I really do, but it's all right. It is what it is."

"You didn't say that when you left the First Order, when you crashed on Jakku," she told him, and she sounded sad. "You've never said that about anything, you've always done what's right, what you believe. Why do you accept how it is with Poe when it's not right?"

There was no good answer but the truth. "Because I don't know what to do about it," he admitted. "I don't know why we're like this instead of how we used to be…" He trailed off with a sigh, because he did know. "I miss him," he admitted, and hoped she didn't see the sudden wetness in his eyes.

"Then talk to him!" she exclaimed. "Finn, it's keeping secrets that's come between you. You were upset to learn about his past, which is no big deal, by the way, and he was hurt that you didn't tell him about being Force-sensitive. Stop keeping secrets, Finn. Trust each other again."

"It's more than that, Rey," he said. "It's complicated." He hated himself for it, for whatever had gone wrong between them. Because it was his fault, wasn't it? He kept secrets he shouldn't have kept, said things he shouldn't have said, held things against his best friend that a best friend shouldn't even _care_ about let alone continue to be upset about. And he wasn't upset, he really wasn't, and yet so much still hung between them.

Finn knew Poe hadn't kept his past from him on purpose, that it simply hadn't come up over the busy months they'd spent fighting the First Order together. He wished Poe had told him, had felt comfortable sharing that part of his life, but he also knew that he couldn't fault Poe for not saying anything when he'd kept his own Force powers a secret. He certainly couldn't condemn Poe for a smuggler's history when he'd grown up as a Stormtrooper in the First Order. Yet it had rattled him, unexpectedly seeing another side of someone he'd looked up to as perfect. And more than that, it had only increased the self-doubt he carried since the day he'd defected: what could he, an ex-Stormtrooper, possibly offer Poe Dameron and the Resistance?

Sure, he'd told them how to destroy Starkiller base, flown with the speeders on Crait, led some tactical missions; he could shoot and fight and maybe one day he could do more with the Force. So he had his training, but he had literally no other _life_ experience whatsoever: no family, no dodgy background, no colorful stories to tell. He couldn't even dress himself for a formal party. Poe's past only emphasized Finn's own lack of history, and he often felt like something was missing in his life, something that he needed to be a real person, a true leader. To be worthy of the trust people placed in him, when there was _so_ much he didn't know.

It was his own insecurity as much as anything else that had caused him to lash out at Poe on Kef Bir. He regretted those four words more than anything he'd ever said to anyone in his life, because he still saw the devastated look on Poe's face, when he closed his eyes at night and flashes of the war kept him awake. He'd been so worried about Rey, so confused by what he was feeling through the Force, so scared of what they might face once they found the Wayfinder and the Sith fleet. He'd thrown Poe's past and all his mistakes—and the ugly truth Finn hated to admit, Poe's lack of Force-sensitivity—at him for no reason other than to hurt him. He wasn't Leia Organa Solo, but he _was_ Poe Dameron: their best pilot, one of their strongest agents and fighters, and the only one of them capable of leading the Resistance. He had led them to victory, and Finn would follow him anywhere. Who said such a thing to their best friend?

It was spiteful, and weak, and immature, and Finn hated himself for it. Deep down, he knew Poe was the best man he'd met, and that Poe didn't care whether Finn had heard the same stories growing up, or ate the same foods as him, or listened to any music whatsoever. Poe had accepted Finn's past with sympathy and curiosity, never judgement. Yet Finn sometimes felt like so much less, when Poe was larger than life, and he feared that one day the other man would realize it.

Bad enough to worry about losing his friends and loved ones to injury and battle. Finn worried he would lose Poe when Poe knew who he really was: no big deal after all. No one. Combined with the guilt of hurting someone he loved with such painful words, Finn suspected it was better this way. He couldn't lose what he never had.

"How?" Rey demanded, jerking him out of his thoughts. "How is it complicated?"

"I kept things from him, said things that were wrong, and cruel."

"Then apologize," she said, and he snapped back, losing patience.

"I have! It doesn't change anything. It still happened. I still feel terrible about it every time I see him, and I don't know howto _stop_ feeling terrible about it." Finn sighed, the anger deflating. "And there's still some secrets I can't tell him. Not anymore."

"What, that you love him?" Rey demanded, and he stopped and stared at her, wide-eyed and sputtering.

"What are you talking about? I'm not in love with—it's not like that—we're friends, best friends, Rey." And then he stopped and shook his head. "Or we were. We'll certainly never be anything else."

"You could be," she said. "Finn, you care about him, and he cares about you. I know he does. He's just as hurt and confused as you. Maybe…" She narrowed her eyes. "Yes, that's it. You need to get away from all this, together, put the Resistance aside for a week or two. Focus on what really matters."

"We don't matter," Finn told her. "Two people, lost and broken among billions? This is what matters." He motioned around them at the base. "Finishing the First Order and rebuilding what we fought to save."

"And then what?" she asked. "You stop the First Order, then wander the galaxy alone, wondering what to do next? Don't you want something more now that it's over?"

He thought about it. Yes, he did, but what? He'd been raised to fight for the First Order, and even after leaving it, he'd continued to fight. What did someone like him do when the fighting was over? "Sometimes I barely know who I am, Rey. I don't know what I want, I don't even know what there is. But I don't think it has to do with Poe. We missed our chance."

Her eyes widened. "That's exactly what he said!" She stomped her foot on the ground in frustration. "You are both difficult, stupid men!"

"And maybe you're a nosey busy-body," Finn pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest. "Now I'm going to change the topic since we're done with this one. What did I miss while I was gone?"

"I have no idea," she replied, that stubborn edge to her voice he knew well. "I was too busy being nosey to pay attention."

Finn laughed in spite of the tension. "Fine, let's go catch up."

They entered the small command area to find Commander D'acy, Lieutenant Connix, and several others standing tense and silent in front of a holo-projection. It was Jessika Pava, and she looked beat up and rattled.

Which meant something bad happened, because it took a lot to rattle a Black Squadron pilot.

"…it's been four hours, and they've pulled a dozen survivors out of the rubble so far," she was saying.

Finn's stomach dropped. Survivors and rubble did not sound good. "What happened?" he demanded. "Where's Poe?"

Rey's hand was on his arm, whether to offer support or take it for herself, he didn't know. Connix turned around, her face pale.

"There was an explosion on Coruscant," she said. "The building where Poe was meeting the sympathizers was destroyed."

"It was a set-up," Jess said, her face angry. "It had to be."

"No," Finn breathed. "Where is he? Is he all right?"

"They haven't found him," Connix replied.

"But we will," Jessika said fiercely. "I'll turn over every rock myself. Knowing him, he's sitting in some pocket of air playing games with his droid."

Finn turned to D'acy. "I need to go to Coruscant."

"Finn, you just got back!" Rey exclaimed. "There's nothing you can do, we need you here."

"It's not safe here, General," said Pava. "You could be targeted as well."

"I need to do something, to help!" Finn felt like he'd been punched in the gut. The thought of never seeing Poe again after all the things they'd said—and not said—was a physical pain that left his heart racing with fear.

"We'll find him, Finn," said Jessika. "Because you two cannot leave things like you did. I'm bringing him back and you're working it out."

Finn stared at her, then turned to Rey. "What, I didn't talk to her!" she exclaimed. "But she's right. Let her get back to the search. We'll be here when you bring him back, Jess."

"Keep us updated, Captain," said Commander D'acy. "And take care of yourself. We don't need to lose anyone else."

Jess nodded and signed off, and the long wait began.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that fleshes out Finn's side of things. I found it much harder to understand what was going on in his head. In particular, his words to Poe about not being Leia were so hurtful I'm still not sure where they came from. The explosion at the end was inspired by another idea I want to write someday. The final chapter will be posted this weekend. Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

IV.

Rey was tired of waiting.

First, they had waited for any word of Poe—had they found him, had he survived, was he all right? It had been almost six hours until they'd found him, and then it was more waiting for word on his condition. It turned out Jess hadn't been too far off: Poe had been trapped in a pocket of rubble with plenty of air. He had several broken ribs, a shattered ankle and dislocated shoulder, and a number of deep bruises and contusions, but he would not only survive, he would recover quickly with the advanced medical facilities on Coruscant.

Which was good, because apparently he was _mad._

Jessika Pava had insisted it was a trap, but the meeting had been called without guile. It had been a single double agent with ties to the First Order who had taken advantage of the opportunity to sew chaos among the Centrist sympathizers by detonating six proton bombs and trying to blame it on the Resistance. Sixteen beings had died, with dozens injured. The Resistance was quickly proved innocent;Coruscant responded swiftly, and justice was served to the satisfaction of most of the systems involved. Somehow Poe managed to cobble together promises of support from at least three of the other Centrist systems affected, all from his bed in the medical bay. After a long week of working through his recovery, he was ready to return.

It had taken all Rey's effort to keep Finn grounded and firmly on Ajan Kloss. He'd wanted more than anything to go to Coruscant, to be there for Poe, to take charge and go after anyone involved. But everyone—from Rey and Connix to Poe and Jess to their Coruscant hosts—had insisted he remain. He would be a new target walking into a hot zone, and could put them all at greater risk by creating the opportunity to take out another Resistance general.

Finn hated it, and Rey had tried hard to help him through. They'd taken more time for some training ("Teach me the rock thing," he said. "In case I ever need it.") and had thrown themselves into paperwork, repairs, anything to take both their minds off Poe, including a quick meeting with a nearby system that was spooked by the attack on Coruscant. Finn's agitation and impatience were wearing, however, and half the time Rey wanted to clock him on the head, while the rest of the time she wanted to hold his hand and keep him calm. Sometimes she did both.

And then Poe was landing, Jess and two others trailing behind as he brought his ship down for a slightly rough landing.

Finn was a mess. Rey could feel the conflict within him: the need to shout at Poe and release his fears in a barrage of criticism, warring with the desire to pull him into a crushing embrace, to know he was alive, to touch him and feel him. For her part, Rey only felt the latter, but knew she would be second in line.

Poe left his ship slowly, struggling down the ladder. Jess watched, gave Finn a look to stand down: Poe was a proud man and would do it himself. He walked slowly across the tarmac, his eyes down and following BB-8. Rey thought he looked different, somehow, a shadow of his former self. He was clearly still recovering, cuts and bruises still peppering his bearded face.

When he finally glanced up and saw them, a look of such pain and relief crossed his face that Rey was almost knocked over by the feeling. Finn, too, inhaled sharply. "Poe," he whispered, then started walking forward. Poe stood straighter, seemed to fill out, looked more himself. He began to smile, and walked faster. Finn sped up; Poe did his best.

Rey watched as they stopped right before they embraced, and her heart broke at their hesitation. But maybe it wasn't what it seemed…

"Are you all right?" Finn asked quietly. Poe nodded.

"I'm all right, pal," he replied.

Finn grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into a rough, tight embrace. Poe collapsed into his arms, crushing his face into Finn's neck, his arms wrapped tight around Finn's waist. Rey could see tears in his eyes and felt them spring into her own

They stood like that for a long time. Rey exchanged a look with Jess, who appeared exhausted. She watched for a moment, then left with a wordless nod. Rey waited some more, until Poe's right hand motioned her over and pulled her into the embrace. It reminded her of their reunion after the Battle of Exegol, when she'd thought everything would be okay, and then it wasn't. She hoped this was their second chance.

"I'm sorry," Poe was whispering into Finn's neck. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to leave without saying anything."

"It's okay, you're back, you're here," Finn replied. Poe stepped back, breaking their embrace, but Finn kept hold of his right arm. "You're where you belong, back with us."

Finn's glance flickered to Rey, including her, but she took a step back, wanting to give them privacy. "I'm glad you're all right," she said. "I should go, let you catch up with Finn." She turned to leave, but Poe grabbed her hand.

"No, I owe you an apology too," he said, sounding earnest. "I left you in charge even though you didn't want it, and I'm sorry I put that pressure on you. More importantly, I'm sorry you've had to deal with so many other things that have nothing to do with the Resistance." His tone was pointed, and Rey knew he was talking about the situation between him and Finn.

"What other things?" asked Finn, but Poe was still looking at Rey, his gaze intense.

"You're a good friend, Rey. You never gave up, and you gave me a lot of things to think about before I left. And I did, I thought about them all the time. Especially when I was trapped, waiting for someone to find me."

"I wanted to come to Coruscant, to help," said Finn, looking somewhat confused by Poe's intensity, but directed at Rey and not him. "Everyone said it wasn't safe, including you."

"It wasn't safe," said Poe, turning back to him. "You could have been killed, and I don't know what I would have done."

"I should go." Rey tried again, but she couldn't escape, because Poe was still holding her hand. Why was he still holding her hand?

"You're a good man, Finn, the best man I've ever met. We need you with us more than you know. Thank you for staying, for leading while I was gone." Finn looked confused, and Rey felt uncomfortable. She wasn't sure what was happening—she'd expected some sort of confession, but it almost sounded like Poe was going to leave—and wished she could be anywhere else but right in the middle of it. Whatever this was, it was between Finn and Poe; they didn't need her there.

"Poe, what's going on?" Finn asked, and Rey could sense his worry. Poe was so intense, it was alarming. "Why are you talking like this?"

"Why are you still holding my hand?" Rey murmured, feeling her cheeks go red. "You should talk alone."

"No," said Poe, turning back to her. He was so different than the man who had climbed slowly from his X-wing, filled now with an almost manic energy. "Everything you said, that you keep saying, is true. Everything. I don't want to be a coward anymore."

Finn was eyeing their hands strangely. "What does she keep saying to you? Because you're the bravest man I know, Poe. You could never be a coward."

"I've been a coward for the last two months," Poe said. "You're my best friend, and yet I couldn't talk to you, so I got angry and pushed you away. And I lost the one thing I wanted more than anything, which was you."

Finn still looked baffled. Rey tried to pull her hand away again, but Poe held tighter. "If this goes balls up," he murmured under his breath, "I may need you to help me out of here."

Which stunned her into yanking her hand away. "Poe Dameron, don't be ridiculous! I am not helping you out of here." She stepped back and crossed her arms over her chest. "But I am staying, because I want to see you finish what you've started, whatever this is."

"Finish what?" asked Finn quietly. "Poe, what's going on? Are you leaving the Resistance?"

Now it was Poe's turn to look surprised and confused. "What? No, of course I'm not! Why would you think that?"

"Because it sounds like you're about to deliver a farewell speech," Finn said, and Rey nodded in agreement.

"I'm not leaving," Poe insisted. "I'm not going anywhere without you. Finn, I can't lose you."

"You're not going to lose me," Finn started, but he was clearly still confused. So was Rey.

"Every time you go out there I could lose you!" Poe exclaimed. "And every time you come back and see what a mess I am, what a failure, I feel like I do."

Rey gasped silently, her heart breaking at Poe's confession. Finn took Poe's hands, both of them, and gazed at him intently. "Poe, you are not a mess. You are not a failure. You are a great leader, and an even greater man. I didn't mean what I said on Kef Bir, it was wrong and I will always regret what happened out there. And I know I keep harping about your past, but it doesn't matter to me. It's a part of you."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it," Poe said. "But I will tell you everything you want to know. I don't want to keep anything from you." Rey felt like she was trapped in a scene from a holo-drama. Finn may not understand what was happening, but she was starting to figure it out.

"I don't need to know," Finn said. "I trust you, I always have, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my Force sensitivity. I was just so scared." He took a deep breath. "I'm tired of being scared."

"I'm tired of being scared, too," Poe said. "Scared that I'll never measure up to Leia, that I'll ruin whatever this is we've managed to build since Exegol, that you'll leave the moment I do. Please don't leave me." Rey couldn't bear the open look on Poe's face, it was so vulnerable; she looked at Finn instead, watched him struggle to understand.

"I'm not going anywhere," he rasped, his voice almost as raw as Poe's eyes. "Because you will always measure up in my eyes. You're the best man I've ever known, and I'm here to stay. General," he added with a brittle laugh.

Poe frowned, which in turn made Finn panic. "If you want me to stay."

"I can't do this without you." Poe shook his head, a look of determination on his face. "Only I don't think you understand what I'm saying."

"Maybe not," said Finn, glancing at Rey as if for answers. They were so close, she wasn't going to step in and ruin it for them now.

"There's only one way I can make you understand," Poe said, meeting Finn's eyes. "To show you what I'm trying to say."

"You don't have to prove anything to me," said Finn, but he still didn't seem to quite understand what Poe was saying.

Poe stomped his foot with a sound of frustration, turning in his place and catching Rey's eye. She simply smiled at him, offering silent encouragement, and he smiled back as if that was all he needed. She felt him through the Force, a sudden shining beacon of love and hope. Finn must have felt something as well, because his eyes widened slightly as Poe turned back.

"Don't hate me," Poe whispered, but before Finn could reply, Poe stepped forward, took Finn's face in his hands, and kissed him passionately. Rey felt Finn's shock, then watched as it dissipated and he closed his eyes, his arms coming up to Poe's waist and pulling him close. She literally put her hand to her mouth so they didn't hear her gasp of happiness. _Finally._

Finn appeared positively dazed when they stopped and Poe took Finn's hand in his own. "Do you understand now? I can't do this—anything, all of it—without you." Finn didn't say anything and a flicker of doubt crossed Poe's face. "And I know I'm taking a huge risk here, because you might not feel the same, but I don't want things between us to be like they were. I want things to be different." Finn was still quiet. "Hopefully I didn't make it worse. Still there if I need a quick getaway, Rey?" He offered a small, vulnerable smile, which seemed to finally snap Finn out of it.

"Are you kidding…you just…did that really happen?" He kept talking before Poe could answer. "This isn't some near-death confession, is it? You almost die and come back and do…do that? Because if it is…" He trailed off helplessly, dropping Poe's hands and waving his arms around. Poe shook his head.

"Do you know how many times I've almost died?" he asked quietly. "I'd have a list of confessions a parsec long. This was different. I didn't think I was going to die. I knew I'd get out of there, because all I could think about making it back to you. How much I wanted to see you again because _this_ is what I want, what I _need._ You. Maybe not the best timing, I know." He shrugged with another small smile. "I did have a concussion."

"A concussion?" Finn looked incredulous. "Poe, I thought I'd lost you out there. Hell, I thought I'd lost you weeks ago, but I thought I was _really_ going to lose you this time. And it was awful. I don't know what I'd do without you, either." He took a deep breath, clearly out of his element. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Poe said so softly Rey almost didn't hear him. "So maybe…"

"Maybe we try not to mess this up any more," Finn finished for him. "Because I love you, and I don't want to almost lose you again."

This time it was Poe's turn to go wide-eyed with surprise, and Rey bit her lip to stop herself exclaiming again, or laughing with sheer joy as Poe stepped back in shock. "Wait…what?" he stuttered. "No…You…are you…what?"

Finn blew out that breath he'd been holding. "Don't make me say it again."

"I didn't expect you to say it now," Poe breathed, shaking his head in astonishment. "Finn, you must know by now that I—"

"I know," said Finn. "I was too busy denying it to see it clearly until now."

Poe nodded in understanding. "Because sometimes it takes almost getting blown up to make you see what you really want."

"That is so ridiculous," Finn laughed, a sudden burst of happiness. "A bomb? What kind of life do we live that we need a bomb to clear the air?"

Poe cocked his head and looked at Rey. "Well, she did try."

"I _really_ tried," said Rey. "Can I go now? Please?"

Finn motioned her closer, but it was Poe who reached out and pulled her into a hug. "Did we do okay?" he asked softly, and she laughed into his shoulder.

"You did great," she said. "It was dramatic and unexpected, heartfelt and –"

"I didn't ask for a critique," Poe laughed. He kissed her temple. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she said. "But can I _please_ go and leave you to it now?"

Poe let her go, but Finn pulled her into an even stronger embrace. She could feel his happiness vibrating from within him and knew that this was it. There would be no going back to how things were—not the fighting, and not casual friendship either. As they walked away, _hand in hand,_ Rey felt their growing bond, could almost see it as a glow surrounding them. They would be stronger for it, and happy. It was what it was—the way it was meant to be. They were finally ready to live, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! I'm rather nervous about this, as sometimes happens with my stories. But this is the way the story ends. I didn't want them to sit down and talk more, there'd been so much talking already in this fic! I wanted something bigger, and I think they needed something to really kick them in the pants, or they probably would have kept avoiding it. I also wanted it from Rey's POV, so the more active realization worked better and allowed her to watch and cheer. Plus the idea of Poe being targeted is one I hope to return to in another story someday (he wasn't personally targeted on Coruscant, but that's where the idea came from. Too much for this fic, though, and if I never get to it, at least I got to touch on it here.) Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed the story!


End file.
